"Don't Leave Me, Mom!"
Tips for nuturing the shy child.
by Barbara and Greg Markway


When I first met 8-year-old Austin, he was hiding under the table in the waiting room. There he sat with his freckles; red, curly hair; arms locked around his knees; and eyes glued to the ground. As his parents tried to coax him out from under the table, I could tell this was a scared little guy. I saw his blue eyes glance up as I told him he wouldn’t have to say a word if he didn’t want to. His parents sighed with relief as Austin scooted out from under the table and followed us back to my office.

Austin’s parents were concerned he was “too shy.” Austin could be quite a chatterbox at home, but when he was around unfamiliar people, he hid behind his Mom and rarely said a word.

If you have a child like Austin, you’re not alone. According to Jerome Kagan, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at Harvard University, roughly ten to 15 percent of kids in kindergarten through 8th grade are very shy, 25 percent tend to be outgoing and sociable, with the rest falling somewhere in between. Fortunately, there’s a lot parents can do to help their children overcome their shyness and become more socially skilled.

Tip #1: Start from a position of acceptance. Keep in mind that shyness is not necessarily a bad trait. Many shy children are extremely caring and perceptive to others’ needs. Of course, you’ll want to help your child learn skills to interact with others, but that doesn’t mean you have to stamp out all of your child’s shyness. What you can do is encourage your child in a way that says, “You’re wonderful,” and, “It’s okay to take some risks.”

Tip #2: Watch the labels. Although “shy” is not a negative term in our minds, it’s still a good idea to give your children other terms in which to think about themselves. For example:
Instead of saying this... try this...

•Instead of saying “You’re shy,” try “You’re talkative with people you know well.”
•Instead of saying, “Don’t be afraid,” try “It takes a little while for you to feel comfortable with new people.”
•Instead of saying, “You’re anxious,” try “You’re cautious. You like to know what something is all about before you try it.”

And if others label your child as shy, say something like, “Oh wait until you get to know Emily. She’ll talk to you about anything.”

Tip #3: Support your child by listening and identifying feelings. An important part of encouraging shy children is to listen to them and help them identify what they are feeling.

Because Rachel had been painfully shy as a child herself, she had difficulty hearing her daughter, Dana, talk about problems at school. “It was my worst nightmare hearing her say that no one played with her— that she went to the other side of the playground and played by herself. I thought I was going to break down and cry on the spot,” Rachel explained.

What can Rachel do in such situations? First, she needs to encourage Dana to talk more about it. She can say, “I’m glad you’re talking to me about this. I want to hear more.” Then Rachel can calmly listen, without offering advice or judgment at this point.

Rachel can check out possible things Dana might be feeling. Rachel can say, “It sounds like you felt lonely and sad playing by yourself.” Or, “I wonder if you weren’t sure how to join in with the other kids.”
By listening and helping your child talk about feelings, you’re taking away some of the sting and setting the stage for future problem solving.

Tip #4: Give your child permission to go at his own pace. Peggy, a mother of a 4-year-old boy, seemed instinctively to know not to push her son too quickly in new situations. Her son, Tyler, had wanted to take gymnastics lessons for as long as she could remember. The first night of class, however, he changed his mind. It was a struggle just to get him to the lesson, and then, he didn’t want to participate. He cried when the instructor tried to coax him into joining the other children; instead, he jumped into his Mom’s lap and grasped her neck so tightly she thought she might choke.

While Peggy understandably felt some frustration and embarrassment, she was able to encourage her son by saying:

•It’s okay to watch first.
•You like to check things out before you jump right in.
•New things are hard.
•I used to feel scared when I tried new things.

By making these types of statements, she validated his concerns. In effect, she let him know his feelings were normal and nothing to be ashamed of.

Tyler watched for most of the first class. Because his Mom had told him this was okay, he seemed to enjoy himself, even if he was mostly observing. Toward the end of the class, Peggy walked with him to where the group was, and they sat together on the floor while the teacher demonstrated how to do something. By allowing Tyler to go at his own pace, Peggy turned what could have been an unpleasant experience into a successful one— and one that he would feel comfortable trying again.

Tip #5: Break the event into small, manageable pieces. Sometimes new situations can be daunting because things seem huge and overwhelming. If possible, break the event into smaller pieces that your child can understand and manage. For example, Eric’s son was nervous about his first den meeting for Cub Scouts. His son had no idea what to expect. The images he formed in his mind were frightening and way off-base. Eric was able to reassure his son, Collin, with the following pieces of information— information that broke the meeting up into smaller, more familiar pieces:

•Remember the time you played at Derick’s house? The meeting will be at his house and you’ll probably have a little time to play before the meeting, just like you did the other time you were there.”

•You’ve met Derick’s parents before. His Dad is the den leader. He’ll be there to tell both of us what we’re going to do.
•We’ll probably sing some songs, play a game and eat a snack.
Collin had no idea what a den meeting was like, but he could relate to playing at Derick’s house, singing songs and eating a snack. These things were familiar to him and helped him feel less anxious about attending the meeting.

Tip #6: Give your child plenty of practice socializing. When shy children frequently avoid or withdraw from social situations, they may not develop the social skills they need. You can help by making sure your child has plenty of opportunities to practice socializing.

Invite another child to play at your house. Children often feel more comfortable on their own turf. Sometimes shy children are more relaxed playing with slightly younger children, so this is an option to try initially. Have the time period be fairly brief at first, and try to have something planned that you know your child will enjoy.

Take your child to places where he can be around other children, even if they choose not to talk to anyone. Call your local library to see if they have a children’s story hour, or go to the park when the weather allows. Again, don’t force your child to interact, but arrange for outings that make socializing possible.

Tip #7: Give it time. Encouraging a shy child takes a lot of time and patience. For example, Peggy didn’t expect that by saying a few supportive comments her son would leap off her lap, ready to turn cartwheels without ever looking back. As we mentioned, he sat on her lap during most of the first gymnastics lesson. The second lesson he joined the group only with her staying out on the gym floor with him. The third week she was able to step back a few feet. By the end of the eight-week session, Peggy was sitting with the other parents while watching Tyler enjoy himself. Her gentle encouragement, support and accepting attitude allowed Tyler to overcome his anxiety and feel successful in the process. They both had reason to be proud.

Barbara and Greg Markway are psychologists and authors of the new book, Nurturing the Shy Child: Practical Help for Raising Confident and Socially Skilled Kids and Teens. They’re also the authors of Painfully Shy: How to Overcome Social Anxiety & Reclaim Your Life, both by St. Martin’s Press. Barbara is also the co-author of Dying of Embarrassment: Help for Social Anxiety & Phobia (New Harbinger Press). For more information, visit their Web site at www.painfullyshy.com.