Do you have an out of the box thinker?
Encouraging your child to be "Different."
by Stephanie Lerner


While doing research for my book on over 30 “eminent achievers,” the importance of being distinctive in thought, spirit and personality became apparent when identifying the “common factor” in their accomplishments.

Paul McCartney, former Beatle and contributor, quoted Hamlet when discussing what motivated him to forge ahead to personal stardom— “To thine own self be true.” This famous quotation may seem to be over-used and self-indulging for an adult, but for a child it exemplifies an astute sense of confidence that most kids who tend to be “group pleasers” don’t possess at a young age.

Vint Cerf, co-creator of the Internet; Nobel Prize recipient, Mario Molina (he discovered the hole in the Ozone layer of our earth); Mike Mullane, NASA astronaut for four space shuttle missions; were all independent thinkers who overcame obstacles as children to change their world significantly. When describing Tori McClure, the first woman to cross the Atlantic in a rowboat, her husband said she was a pre-focused child. “She was set in who she was, and certainly knew that she wanted to accomplish something big at a young age,” he said proudly. Rod Gilbert, ice hockey legend; Brian Martin, Olympic medal winner in Luge; and Rachael Scdoris, first blind athlete competing in the grueling Iditarod Sled Dog Musher competition, all knew that by “not giving up” they were destined for great personal triumphs.

Okay, we’ve established it— individuality in kids is a critical element in what leads to their success. Being a kid who thinks outside the box is not only a good thing, it’s a great thing. My older son Morgen is now 13 years old and walking on his own “solid ground.” I should know this “out of the box” concept thoroughly. It should be a part of who I am as a mother. So why is this lesson still difficult to incorporate into my parental programming? Because it’s not easy to stand alone as a parent; it’s not easy to be different as a child, and it’s especially difficult for a parent to watch their child use all their fortitude to gather strength to be independent of the group.

I’m passionate about my kids, all three of them. This is not a quality unique to me as a mother. Recently, I went through a situation with my daughter that included the usual painful elements of exclusion, which made the movie Mean Girls look like a day at the beach, where female interaction was concerned.
It is no wonder that we as parents don’t embrace the differences in our children. Fitting in not only makes things easier for our kids, but easier for “us.” Believe me, I have gone through the appropriate number of trials and tribulations in my life. Some things have upset me, and many of these ordeals have actually been motivators. But nothing is more penetrating and unbearable than watching your child be “out of step” with the group.

Let’s not overlook and underestimate the reactions of the other parents in regard to the parent(s) of the child who thinks differently. Their behavior may not be as accepting and measured as you would expect for the following reasons: It may challenge their position with other mainstream or “popular” parents, it may affect their child’s role in their group, or in many cases it actually may hit a nerve with the parent who was not accepted in their own childhood and doesn’t want this situation to happen to his kid.

Does this mean that these parents are ill-meaning? No, it just means that they want an obstacle-free road for their kids and themselves. Because of their devotion to their children, these parents feel that accepting a kid who thinks differently into their child’s “playgroup” or “social world” could make their position in the “social formula” of that world, dubious and unsteady.

What can the parent and “out of the box” kid do about this? Well the over-riding and comforting factor is that there is parental strength and reassurance in that knowledge that this reaction is normal and should be expected. Is it easy? No way! It’s painful. But take a look at that amazing child that you are raising, the miracle in your life, and know that his or her future is dependent upon your strength as a parent in every situation. Your child is the most important extension of yourself. When things are difficult for them, it affects you to your core and at times makes you feel more vulnerable than you ever have.

Super-achievers such as Bill Gates and Steven Spielberg overcame difficult childhood experiences, maintained their sense of self and went on to achieve personal greatness. That was assuring to my son, but was pivotal to my direction and strength as a mother. Philippe Rousselot, Academy Award-winning cinematographer, had an “out of the box” childhood, which lead him to the heights of his profession. Neil De Grasse Tyson, the head of the Hayden Planetarium, Harvard graduate and a world-famous astrophysicist, was a self-proclaimed nerd as a kid, but he focused to reach his personal heights. He also was named one of People magazine’s “sexiest men alive,” so this illustrates that it all changed once this unique child reached adulthood.

Not that I want my children to aspire to be the “sexiest person alive.” Far from it! My point is that the rules change somewhere along the way. The mainstream kid and the popular kid turn into the average kid when it is time for college. Colleges are looking for the child who did well and differentiated him or herself along the way. Corporations are not looking for the average person. They are looking for the person who thinks differently, the fresh thinker. Suddenly that different kid becomes the “in-demand” adult. Apple Computers did a whole campaign about it. “Think Different” was associated with Albert Einstein, Lucille Ball, Gandhi and other people that changed the world significantly in their unique ways.

My advice for parents, including myself, is what I tell my kids all the time. Be who you are, enjoy your journey, I’m there right behind you, hang tough even when the situation becomes difficult and overwhelming and stay the course. The outcome could be that your “out of the box” kid will become the “in-demand” adult. Even more importantly though is that their unique journey will have developed a self-confidence and competence that will be with them through life, and will forge them on to becoming their personal best.

Stephanie Lerner is the author of Kids Who Think Outside the Box… Helping Your Unique Child Thrive in A Cookie –Cutter World (Amacom Books).