A Baby to Call Your Own
The truth about adoption.
by Patricia Irwin Johnson


Melika and Ahmad, and Nancy and Fred are couples I know well. Both families have been actively working on having a child for years. Melika and Ahmad have gotten pregnant several times, but they’ve been unable to carry a pregnancy to term. Nancy and Fred have never been pregnant, despite medications and invasive procedures.

Margaret is 35, single and childless, despite the fact that she’d like to have found a partner and married and had babies by now. Sam and Stewart are gay and have lived in a committed relationship for ten years. Ruben and Anita have given birth to three healthy children but have room in their hearts and their home for more.
What these folks have in common is that the reaction of their families to their decision to adopt a child has surprised and disappointed them. They expected joy! They expected support! What they got (at least what they feel they heard) was shock and fear and apparent disapproval.

“Oh, no, honey. Why would you want to do that?” followed by “Just keep trying, you’ll get pregnant again” or “But you’re not married! Children need two parents. You can’t do this alone” or “At your age? You were out of college and Mom and I were almost ready to retire when we were your age! You can’t start parenting now!”
“Adopting! Everybody knows that adopted kids have all kinds of problems. What kind of person gives away his own flesh and blood?”

“Just Relax: After Adopting, You’ll Get Pregnant”
Let’s toss this old saw off the pile first off, because it is perhaps the single most offensive (not to mention most common) myth-ridden comment adopters hear—over and over and over again.
During the past quarter of a century a number of studies have been done which show unequivocally that relaxing after adopting does not alone produce pregnancies. Adoption did not result in conception 30 years ago, it didn’t 15 years ago, and it doesn’t this year.

Though everyone knows someone whose third cousin or next door neighbor conceived right away after adopting, statistically the facts are these: five percent of infertile couples will spontaneously conceive after ending fertility treatment and then adopting. This is exactly the same percentage of folks who will conceive following the end of fertility treatment without adopting. Others who conceive after adoption have probably gone back to treatment without your knowing it!

The Kids
It is simply not true that there are no babies to adopt. Thousands of healthy children under a year of age are adopted domestically and internationally each year. A small number of U.S.-born babies are even adopted by residents of other countries. A high proportion of infant adoptions are done through private agencies— often, but not always, these are religiously sponsored not-for-profits—or are done through a direct connection between adoptive parents and birthparents (often facilitated by a friend or a professional) in an arrangement called a “private” or “independent” adoption.

In addition, thousands more U.S.-born children identified as having special needs (due to age, medical or emotional or learning differences, past life experiences, race, or being part of a sibling group) are adopted each year. Most of these adoptions are handled by the public agencies in each state which are variously called the Department of Family and Children’s Services, the Public Welfare Department, etc.
No matter what his age or condition, and no matter what the financial status of the adults who want to adopt him, once a child has been designated by his agency to have “special needs,” he is eligible for special financial support from state and federal governments. This support, called a subsidy or adoption assistance, which may also include Medicaid benefits, is available until he is 18 to help his adopting parents obtain the medical, educational or counseling assistance necessary to meet his particular special needs.
Most adoptions of children with special needs are extremely successful.

The Cost
One does not have to be wealthy to adopt. Instead, prospective adopters are expected to demonstrate that they can effectively manage the money they actually have and can provide a safe and healthy environment in which to raise a child.

The costs involved in completing an adoption can vary significantly—from the $6 cost of a workbook used in a preparation class to $50,000 in some cases. All adoptions, however, have certain requirements regardless of who is picking up the fees for service. These include:
•a homestudy or parent preparation and counseling
•document preparation
•legal fees
•travel costs (state-to-state or internationally). In most cases, families willing to adopt a US-born child identified as having special needs will find that fees are low to non-existent at public agencies, and that their children’s needs often make them eligible for some ongoing financial assistance or medical care or mental health counseling. Subsidies are not based on the income of the would-be adopters, but instead on the needs of the child eligible for adoption.

International adoptions are usually more expensive than are domestic adoptions. Most agencies placing children from other countries receive no support from the state or federal government, so adopters must absorb the costs. Most often they will pay a flat administrative program fee to the local agency that handles their adoption, administrative and legal costs to the overseas agent or agency, and often a “donation” to the orphanage that cared for their child. Travel costs are higher, too. The federal government provides significant tax credits for those who are adopting.

Open Adoption vs. Confidential Adoption
Open adoption is communication and cooperation between two families— birth and adoptive— that benefits a child loved and cared about by everyone. Open adoption is not temporary custody. It does not enhance the risk of a change of heart or lead to “taking the child back.” It is not co-parenting. Adopted children have one set of legal, social, and decision-making parents— their adopters. It is unusual for open adoptions to create unmanageable problems between families.

Few adoptions today are completely open— which would mean that there is ongoing contact, visiting and phone calls at will between members of the birth and adoptive families. However, more and more adoptions involve some degree of openness. However, just as do all human relationships, those in open adoptions evolve and change over time, most often in response to changes in circumstances within the families.
Couples, friends and family members considering adopting need you to get the facts, learn what you need to know and deal with your fears and reservations so that you can embrace their decision wholeheartedly and make the leap of faith that they have made into a whole new world.

The single most important statistic for you to hear, hold close and understand about adoption is that, despite the myths out there and the horror stories reported in the media, repeated studies show that the overwhelming majority of children who join their families by adoption fare well, forge close bonds with their families, and grow up to be every bit as well adjusted as their non-adopted peers.

That’s a fact, not a wish.

In addition to being the mother of three young adults who were adopted as infants and the wife of a man adopted as an infant, Patricia Irwin Johnson, MS, is an infertility and adoption educator and the author of several books on infertility and adoption, including Taking Charge of Infertility, Adoption after Infertility and Launching a Baby’s Adoption (Perspectives Press, Inc.). Her most recent book is Adoption Is a Family Affair!(Perspectives Press, Inc.). You may learn more about these and other books from Perspectives Press, Inc.: The Infertility and Adoption Publisher and read other articles and excerpts by visiting www.perspectivespress.com.